Dear Dan,
Sometimes I wonder if my boyfriend thinks I have a wide ass, though he always tells me otherwise. I can't help but notice that my love handles have become more like bungee cables, and it's making being "intimate" awkward. How do I find out what he really thinks, or if he's going to leave me for miss skyscraper legs in accounting?
-Fatty Fran
First of all, Fatty Fran, since when has a women ever cared about what her boyfriend “really thinks”? In my vast experience, women want to control what their boyfriends think, but they don’t really want to know about what’s beneath the surface. I can guarantee you that he’s thinking about leaving you for “Miss Skyscraper Legs In Accounting.”
Two reasons; he has a penis and guys love brainy chicks. There’s nothing sexier than an in depth analysis of Pythagoras’ Theorem before a romp. Guys love hearing comparisons on length.
The solution is quite obvious, Fatty Fran. It’s actually very sad that you haven’t come up with the answer yourself. Pathetic really. You have bungee cables. The little madam in account has skyscrapers. Scientifically speaking, and mathematically you and your boyfriend climb to the top floor and jump off. But don’t forget your safety harness, nobody wants an SGD [Sudden Gravity Death]. Get some helmets and knee guards and just dive.
That or stop eating so much, fatty.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
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