Dear Dan,
Sometimes I wonder if my boyfriend thinks I have a wide ass, though he always tells me otherwise. I can't help but notice that my love handles have become more like bungee cables, and it's making being "intimate" awkward. How do I find out what he really thinks, or if he's going to leave me for miss skyscraper legs in accounting?
-Fatty Fran
First of all, Fatty Fran, since when has a women ever cared about what her boyfriend “really thinks”? In my vast experience, women want to control what their boyfriends think, but they don’t really want to know about what’s beneath the surface. I can guarantee you that he’s thinking about leaving you for “Miss Skyscraper Legs In Accounting.”
Two reasons; he has a penis and guys love brainy chicks. There’s nothing sexier than an in depth analysis of Pythagoras’ Theorem before a romp. Guys love hearing comparisons on length.
The solution is quite obvious, Fatty Fran. It’s actually very sad that you haven’t come up with the answer yourself. Pathetic really. You have bungee cables. The little madam in account has skyscrapers. Scientifically speaking, and mathematically you and your boyfriend climb to the top floor and jump off. But don’t forget your safety harness, nobody wants an SGD [Sudden Gravity Death]. Get some helmets and knee guards and just dive.
That or stop eating so much, fatty.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Saturday, November 10th 2007
Dear Dan,
I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday and I found out that I have cancer yesterday. I’m not sure how to tell my friends and family about it. My wife and I just bought our first house and we have our firstborn on the way. I don’t want to worry them but I do want to be honest with them. How should I broach the subject?
- Cancer Charlie
Well, Cancer Charlie I am very sorry to hear this. I’m very sorry to hear how much of a whiner you are. “Oh wah, I have cancer, wah-wah.” Give me a break. I’m glad you have it; the world will soon be rid of you. And I think it’ll be a better place for it. This is just Mother Nature’s way of telling you to take a hike; no one likes you.
You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to wait for you to die and then I’m going to nail your wife on your coffin. Third trimester or not, we will pound you down six feet or more. Then, when your firstborn is born, I’ll wait until it’s eighteen, and nail it on your grave. Boy or girl, we will pound it out until we create a sinkhole.
Why don’t you go out and get a better disease? Parkinsons is the way to go these days. Michael J Fox never made martini’s as good as he does now. Cancer is so passé.
Dead yet?
I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday and I found out that I have cancer yesterday. I’m not sure how to tell my friends and family about it. My wife and I just bought our first house and we have our firstborn on the way. I don’t want to worry them but I do want to be honest with them. How should I broach the subject?
- Cancer Charlie
Well, Cancer Charlie I am very sorry to hear this. I’m very sorry to hear how much of a whiner you are. “Oh wah, I have cancer, wah-wah.” Give me a break. I’m glad you have it; the world will soon be rid of you. And I think it’ll be a better place for it. This is just Mother Nature’s way of telling you to take a hike; no one likes you.
You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to wait for you to die and then I’m going to nail your wife on your coffin. Third trimester or not, we will pound you down six feet or more. Then, when your firstborn is born, I’ll wait until it’s eighteen, and nail it on your grave. Boy or girl, we will pound it out until we create a sinkhole.
Why don’t you go out and get a better disease? Parkinsons is the way to go these days. Michael J Fox never made martini’s as good as he does now. Cancer is so passé.
Dead yet?
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Sunday, October 28th 2007
Dear Dan,
My boyfriend and his best friend have recently moved in together and spend every moment they can together. They go to dinner together, they go on trips together, all of this just the two of them. Now the best friend is dating my best friend, so it isn’t like there is a third wheel problem, we could do things the four of us, but the boys choose not to. Should I be concerned? Why don’t they want to spend time with us?
- Neglected For A Brocrush
Well, Neglected have you stopped and thought about why your boyfriend is spending so much time with his BFF? Obviously he cares deeply for his friend. You yourself have stated that they are quote best friends unquote. Who are you to try to wedge yourself – and your own best friend – between them?
I’m thinking that this isn’t just an issue of a third wheel but is of a fourth wheel. Just butt out. Myself, most of the time I would rather spend time with my best friend than with my girlfriend. The fact that she is non-existent is inconsequential and besides the point.
I personally find it disturbing that you want to do things with just quote the four of you unquote. You may think it old fashioned to believe that when one is a relationship one should have at least a shred of decency and maybe even an ounce of fidelity. Call it crazy if you wish, but just because you want to do “things” with your best friend’s boyfriend - who just so happens to also be your boyfriend’s best friend – doesn’t make it right.
It makes you a whore.
In the future, here’s a thought that I’m going to throw out there for you; try being less of a needy clinger and whore. It’s no wonder your boyfriend is avoiding you while keeping an eye on the true object of your desire as much as possible.
Seriously, you disgust me.
Dear Dan,
I recently found out that my last sexual partner had herpes while we were together last week. I’m a little nervous as to how to tell my wife that she probably has an STD. How should I approach her and tell her without ending up in a divorce? I love her and our kids and I don’t want to lose any of them. Please help.
- Henry Herpes
Well, Henry Herpes – if that is your real name - how to approach a significant other with infidelity and the spread of STDs is a delicate and sensitive topic. My advice; don’t. If you’re already at the point where you are seeking sex from other sources that means that the marriage is one matchbox away from plummeting off the cliff into the rocky bluffs below called separation.
Henry, here’s what you’re going to do; seeing as how you’re fooling around on the side, that means that your wife is too. Studies by scientists have recently proven that if one member of a union is unfaithful the other is also guilty of double dipping. You are not going to tell her. She is going to find out that she has herpes at her next doctor’s appointment and then she’ll confess to you and you’ll be the one with the just cause.
You’ll keep the house, the cars, the swimming pool and the summer cottage on the lake. Oh, the kids too if you really want. As much as you may care for her, that is worth nothing compared to the monetary value of those objects – including the kids. They probably don’t have herpes and they’ve got compatible organs.
You’re welcome, Henry Herpes.
My boyfriend and his best friend have recently moved in together and spend every moment they can together. They go to dinner together, they go on trips together, all of this just the two of them. Now the best friend is dating my best friend, so it isn’t like there is a third wheel problem, we could do things the four of us, but the boys choose not to. Should I be concerned? Why don’t they want to spend time with us?
- Neglected For A Brocrush
Well, Neglected have you stopped and thought about why your boyfriend is spending so much time with his BFF? Obviously he cares deeply for his friend. You yourself have stated that they are quote best friends unquote. Who are you to try to wedge yourself – and your own best friend – between them?
I’m thinking that this isn’t just an issue of a third wheel but is of a fourth wheel. Just butt out. Myself, most of the time I would rather spend time with my best friend than with my girlfriend. The fact that she is non-existent is inconsequential and besides the point.
I personally find it disturbing that you want to do things with just quote the four of you unquote. You may think it old fashioned to believe that when one is a relationship one should have at least a shred of decency and maybe even an ounce of fidelity. Call it crazy if you wish, but just because you want to do “things” with your best friend’s boyfriend - who just so happens to also be your boyfriend’s best friend – doesn’t make it right.
It makes you a whore.
In the future, here’s a thought that I’m going to throw out there for you; try being less of a needy clinger and whore. It’s no wonder your boyfriend is avoiding you while keeping an eye on the true object of your desire as much as possible.
Seriously, you disgust me.
Dear Dan,
I recently found out that my last sexual partner had herpes while we were together last week. I’m a little nervous as to how to tell my wife that she probably has an STD. How should I approach her and tell her without ending up in a divorce? I love her and our kids and I don’t want to lose any of them. Please help.
- Henry Herpes
Well, Henry Herpes – if that is your real name - how to approach a significant other with infidelity and the spread of STDs is a delicate and sensitive topic. My advice; don’t. If you’re already at the point where you are seeking sex from other sources that means that the marriage is one matchbox away from plummeting off the cliff into the rocky bluffs below called separation.
Henry, here’s what you’re going to do; seeing as how you’re fooling around on the side, that means that your wife is too. Studies by scientists have recently proven that if one member of a union is unfaithful the other is also guilty of double dipping. You are not going to tell her. She is going to find out that she has herpes at her next doctor’s appointment and then she’ll confess to you and you’ll be the one with the just cause.
You’ll keep the house, the cars, the swimming pool and the summer cottage on the lake. Oh, the kids too if you really want. As much as you may care for her, that is worth nothing compared to the monetary value of those objects – including the kids. They probably don’t have herpes and they’ve got compatible organs.
You’re welcome, Henry Herpes.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Wednesday, October 24th 2007
Dear Dan,
My daughter as of late has been staying out well past her curfew. She just turned eighteen and seems to be trying to spread her wings as an adult. She’s in her last year of high school and works two jobs. She even works two jobs on top of being the Student Body Treasurer. She even bought her own car. As much as I want to protect her, I think that maybe I should let her be. Do you think that I should let her live her life or am I justified with demanding that she follow the rules while she is under my roof?
- Doting Daddy
Doting Daddy, I’m just going to lay it out on the line for you. Your daughter has a third job and there is most assuredly some “treasuring” of her “student body” going on. Your daughter is a stripper. It’s a well known fact that “just turned eighteen” is code for “immediately becoming a stripper because now it’s legal.” I’m sorry to break it to you.
It’s also a well-known fact that all students on the Student Board are of loose morals. It’s a sad reality that we live in a world where our next generation is a twisted, degenerate and sick demographic. They need to be put in line.
What you need to do is talk with your daughter. Communication is the key while you yell, scream, threaten and curse at her and take away the car that she bought with her own money. Sell it and buy yourself something nice. You deserve it. At no point should you even ask what’s she’s doing out so late. She’s already completely broken your trust by not showing up by curfew that first night.
You need to put it all out there and tell her flat out that if she is late one more time she is out of your house. Your daughter will immediately respond accordingly. She is, of course, only looking for boundaries. Teenagers – or “young adults” as they pretentiously demand to be called – want nothing more than to be dictated as to how to live their lives. They want the order of not being able to do the things that they enjoy.
I hope this helps.
Oh, maybe rough her up a bit. It’ll help her be a more rounded person. She will thank you.
Dear Dan,
For the last five years or so I’ve noticed that my husband hasn’t been looking at me the same way. He seems to be more interested in our daughter’s friends. I have put on maybe ten pounds over the last years but I still look good. What should I do to get my husband’s attention and attentions back?
- Weighty Wife
Let me guess Weighty Wife; your daughter is the school treasurer? Even if she isn’t you should follow the advice I’ve given to our dear friend Doting Daddy. Tell your daughter her friends aren’t allowed over anymore and that if she has a problem with that she can find her own place to live where her friends are welcome.
There’s the competition gone. As far as getting your husband’s attention back; notice how those girls are dressed? Start dressing the same. Don’t worry about hitting the gym and working out because I’ve got an effortless and painless solution. Start wearing tight low cut tops. Stop wearing a bra. Start wearing low ridding jeans and mini skirts. Stop wearing glasses. It doesn’t matter how you see, only how you look.
Once you’ve captivated your husband’s attention in any way his attentions will return instantaneously. Be careful where you get it back because you don’t want to end up with a ticket for lewd conduct. That’s the kind of thing that sticks, believe you me.
So to rap up, start dressing far too young for your age and weight and everything will fall into place. If you catch my drift.
My daughter as of late has been staying out well past her curfew. She just turned eighteen and seems to be trying to spread her wings as an adult. She’s in her last year of high school and works two jobs. She even works two jobs on top of being the Student Body Treasurer. She even bought her own car. As much as I want to protect her, I think that maybe I should let her be. Do you think that I should let her live her life or am I justified with demanding that she follow the rules while she is under my roof?
- Doting Daddy
Doting Daddy, I’m just going to lay it out on the line for you. Your daughter has a third job and there is most assuredly some “treasuring” of her “student body” going on. Your daughter is a stripper. It’s a well known fact that “just turned eighteen” is code for “immediately becoming a stripper because now it’s legal.” I’m sorry to break it to you.
It’s also a well-known fact that all students on the Student Board are of loose morals. It’s a sad reality that we live in a world where our next generation is a twisted, degenerate and sick demographic. They need to be put in line.
What you need to do is talk with your daughter. Communication is the key while you yell, scream, threaten and curse at her and take away the car that she bought with her own money. Sell it and buy yourself something nice. You deserve it. At no point should you even ask what’s she’s doing out so late. She’s already completely broken your trust by not showing up by curfew that first night.
You need to put it all out there and tell her flat out that if she is late one more time she is out of your house. Your daughter will immediately respond accordingly. She is, of course, only looking for boundaries. Teenagers – or “young adults” as they pretentiously demand to be called – want nothing more than to be dictated as to how to live their lives. They want the order of not being able to do the things that they enjoy.
I hope this helps.
Oh, maybe rough her up a bit. It’ll help her be a more rounded person. She will thank you.
Dear Dan,
For the last five years or so I’ve noticed that my husband hasn’t been looking at me the same way. He seems to be more interested in our daughter’s friends. I have put on maybe ten pounds over the last years but I still look good. What should I do to get my husband’s attention and attentions back?
- Weighty Wife
Let me guess Weighty Wife; your daughter is the school treasurer? Even if she isn’t you should follow the advice I’ve given to our dear friend Doting Daddy. Tell your daughter her friends aren’t allowed over anymore and that if she has a problem with that she can find her own place to live where her friends are welcome.
There’s the competition gone. As far as getting your husband’s attention back; notice how those girls are dressed? Start dressing the same. Don’t worry about hitting the gym and working out because I’ve got an effortless and painless solution. Start wearing tight low cut tops. Stop wearing a bra. Start wearing low ridding jeans and mini skirts. Stop wearing glasses. It doesn’t matter how you see, only how you look.
Once you’ve captivated your husband’s attention in any way his attentions will return instantaneously. Be careful where you get it back because you don’t want to end up with a ticket for lewd conduct. That’s the kind of thing that sticks, believe you me.
So to rap up, start dressing far too young for your age and weight and everything will fall into place. If you catch my drift.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Tuesday, October 23rd 2007
Dear Dan,
Recently I came home to find out that my girlfriend had found some, shall we say “scandalous” pictures of my ex-girlfriend on my computer. I’m a little upset that she was looking through my stuff in the first place. I mean, it’s not as if I set one of them as the wallpaper. I’d even forgotten that I had them. What should I do to make things right?
-Not Kirk
Well, Not Kirk, there are a few things that we’re going to need to go over. First of all, if your ex-girlfriend was hot enough to warrant – as you put it – “scandalous” pictures, why is she your ex? I mean if she’s hot, you’ve gotta keep tapping that.
Secondly; haven’t you heard of encrypted flash drives? This is the twenty first century after all. We are right now, living in the world of tomorrow.
But those are obviously past mistakes that you failed miserably with, so let’s not rehash what has happened and instead look into trying to resolve this unfortunate situation.
Have you tried saying; “Sometimes I need them to get the fire going?” That right there, my friend is some poetic beauty. There isn’t a woman on the face of the earth that wouldn’t appreciate hearing that while you are making love to her, you are thinking of your ex. Maybe ask if it would be okay to print them off and post them on the bed frame. Just tell her that a little visual aid would go a very long way.
Ultimately, Not Kirk this is all about communication. You need to tell her that she is so unattractive that you decided that you wanted to be with her, rather than that hot piece of ass that let you take nudie pictures of herself. I mean that is some serious hotness right there.
Oh, would you mind sending me those pictures?
I think that maybe if someone else saw them it could help bring closure.
Dear Dan,
Over the last few days I’ve been hearing some strange things. Every night I hear this loud creaking, moaning sound that comes from my house’s foundation. Is this just the house settling or maybe some sort of spirit trapped in the house?
-Scared Silly
First of all I would like to point out that I’m neither a building contractor nor a paranormal psychologist. However I have seen every episode of Home Improvement and also the Ghostbuster movies.
I can tell you, Scared Silly that your house is neither “settling” nor is it inhabited by some sort of angry spirit. Houses do not quote settle unquote. They have foundations that are often times in the ground and made of concrete. Ground is hard and as is concrete so that doesn’t even make sense. And ghosts only hang out near “Ghost Hotspots.” Places such as the local gym and the produce isle at the local grocery store. Just another reason to avoid such places.
What’s really going on here is that you have colon cancer.
I’m sorry, Scared Silly. You are going to die.
Recently I came home to find out that my girlfriend had found some, shall we say “scandalous” pictures of my ex-girlfriend on my computer. I’m a little upset that she was looking through my stuff in the first place. I mean, it’s not as if I set one of them as the wallpaper. I’d even forgotten that I had them. What should I do to make things right?
-Not Kirk
Well, Not Kirk, there are a few things that we’re going to need to go over. First of all, if your ex-girlfriend was hot enough to warrant – as you put it – “scandalous” pictures, why is she your ex? I mean if she’s hot, you’ve gotta keep tapping that.
Secondly; haven’t you heard of encrypted flash drives? This is the twenty first century after all. We are right now, living in the world of tomorrow.
But those are obviously past mistakes that you failed miserably with, so let’s not rehash what has happened and instead look into trying to resolve this unfortunate situation.
Have you tried saying; “Sometimes I need them to get the fire going?” That right there, my friend is some poetic beauty. There isn’t a woman on the face of the earth that wouldn’t appreciate hearing that while you are making love to her, you are thinking of your ex. Maybe ask if it would be okay to print them off and post them on the bed frame. Just tell her that a little visual aid would go a very long way.
Ultimately, Not Kirk this is all about communication. You need to tell her that she is so unattractive that you decided that you wanted to be with her, rather than that hot piece of ass that let you take nudie pictures of herself. I mean that is some serious hotness right there.
Oh, would you mind sending me those pictures?
I think that maybe if someone else saw them it could help bring closure.
Dear Dan,
Over the last few days I’ve been hearing some strange things. Every night I hear this loud creaking, moaning sound that comes from my house’s foundation. Is this just the house settling or maybe some sort of spirit trapped in the house?
-Scared Silly
First of all I would like to point out that I’m neither a building contractor nor a paranormal psychologist. However I have seen every episode of Home Improvement and also the Ghostbuster movies.
I can tell you, Scared Silly that your house is neither “settling” nor is it inhabited by some sort of angry spirit. Houses do not quote settle unquote. They have foundations that are often times in the ground and made of concrete. Ground is hard and as is concrete so that doesn’t even make sense. And ghosts only hang out near “Ghost Hotspots.” Places such as the local gym and the produce isle at the local grocery store. Just another reason to avoid such places.
What’s really going on here is that you have colon cancer.
I’m sorry, Scared Silly. You are going to die.
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