Wednesday, October 24th 2007

Dear Dan,

My daughter as of late has been staying out well past her curfew. She just turned eighteen and seems to be trying to spread her wings as an adult. She’s in her last year of high school and works two jobs. She even works two jobs on top of being the Student Body Treasurer. She even bought her own car. As much as I want to protect her, I think that maybe I should let her be. Do you think that I should let her live her life or am I justified with demanding that she follow the rules while she is under my roof?

- Doting Daddy

Doting Daddy, I’m just going to lay it out on the line for you. Your daughter has a third job and there is most assuredly some “treasuring” of her “student body” going on. Your daughter is a stripper. It’s a well known fact that “just turned eighteen” is code for “immediately becoming a stripper because now it’s legal.” I’m sorry to break it to you.

It’s also a well-known fact that all students on the Student Board are of loose morals. It’s a sad reality that we live in a world where our next generation is a twisted, degenerate and sick demographic. They need to be put in line.

What you need to do is talk with your daughter. Communication is the key while you yell, scream, threaten and curse at her and take away the car that she bought with her own money. Sell it and buy yourself something nice. You deserve it. At no point should you even ask what’s she’s doing out so late. She’s already completely broken your trust by not showing up by curfew that first night.

You need to put it all out there and tell her flat out that if she is late one more time she is out of your house. Your daughter will immediately respond accordingly. She is, of course, only looking for boundaries. Teenagers – or “young adults” as they pretentiously demand to be called – want nothing more than to be dictated as to how to live their lives. They want the order of not being able to do the things that they enjoy.

I hope this helps.

Oh, maybe rough her up a bit. It’ll help her be a more rounded person. She will thank you.

Dear Dan,

For the last five years or so I’ve noticed that my husband hasn’t been looking at me the same way. He seems to be more interested in our daughter’s friends. I have put on maybe ten pounds over the last years but I still look good. What should I do to get my husband’s attention and attentions back?

- Weighty Wife

Let me guess Weighty Wife; your daughter is the school treasurer? Even if she isn’t you should follow the advice I’ve given to our dear friend Doting Daddy. Tell your daughter her friends aren’t allowed over anymore and that if she has a problem with that she can find her own place to live where her friends are welcome.

There’s the competition gone. As far as getting your husband’s attention back; notice how those girls are dressed? Start dressing the same. Don’t worry about hitting the gym and working out because I’ve got an effortless and painless solution. Start wearing tight low cut tops. Stop wearing a bra. Start wearing low ridding jeans and mini skirts. Stop wearing glasses. It doesn’t matter how you see, only how you look.

Once you’ve captivated your husband’s attention in any way his attentions will return instantaneously. Be careful where you get it back because you don’t want to end up with a ticket for lewd conduct. That’s the kind of thing that sticks, believe you me.

So to rap up, start dressing far too young for your age and weight and everything will fall into place. If you catch my drift.