Sunday, October 28th 2007

Dear Dan,

My boyfriend and his best friend have recently moved in together and spend every moment they can together. They go to dinner together, they go on trips together, all of this just the two of them. Now the best friend is dating my best friend, so it isn’t like there is a third wheel problem, we could do things the four of us, but the boys choose not to. Should I be concerned? Why don’t they want to spend time with us?

- Neglected For A Brocrush

Well, Neglected have you stopped and thought about why your boyfriend is spending so much time with his BFF? Obviously he cares deeply for his friend. You yourself have stated that they are quote best friends unquote. Who are you to try to wedge yourself – and your own best friend – between them?

I’m thinking that this isn’t just an issue of a third wheel but is of a fourth wheel. Just butt out. Myself, most of the time I would rather spend time with my best friend than with my girlfriend. The fact that she is non-existent is inconsequential and besides the point.

I personally find it disturbing that you want to do things with just quote the four of you unquote. You may think it old fashioned to believe that when one is a relationship one should have at least a shred of decency and maybe even an ounce of fidelity. Call it crazy if you wish, but just because you want to do “things” with your best friend’s boyfriend - who just so happens to also be your boyfriend’s best friend – doesn’t make it right.

It makes you a whore.

In the future, here’s a thought that I’m going to throw out there for you; try being less of a needy clinger and whore. It’s no wonder your boyfriend is avoiding you while keeping an eye on the true object of your desire as much as possible.

Seriously, you disgust me.

Dear Dan,

I recently found out that my last sexual partner had herpes while we were together last week. I’m a little nervous as to how to tell my wife that she probably has an STD. How should I approach her and tell her without ending up in a divorce? I love her and our kids and I don’t want to lose any of them. Please help.

- Henry Herpes

Well, Henry Herpes – if that is your real name - how to approach a significant other with infidelity and the spread of STDs is a delicate and sensitive topic. My advice; don’t. If you’re already at the point where you are seeking sex from other sources that means that the marriage is one matchbox away from plummeting off the cliff into the rocky bluffs below called separation.

Henry, here’s what you’re going to do; seeing as how you’re fooling around on the side, that means that your wife is too. Studies by scientists have recently proven that if one member of a union is unfaithful the other is also guilty of double dipping. You are not going to tell her. She is going to find out that she has herpes at her next doctor’s appointment and then she’ll confess to you and you’ll be the one with the just cause.

You’ll keep the house, the cars, the swimming pool and the summer cottage on the lake. Oh, the kids too if you really want. As much as you may care for her, that is worth nothing compared to the monetary value of those objects – including the kids. They probably don’t have herpes and they’ve got compatible organs.

You’re welcome, Henry Herpes.