Tuesday, October 23rd 2007

Dear Dan,

Recently I came home to find out that my girlfriend had found some, shall we say “scandalous” pictures of my ex-girlfriend on my computer. I’m a little upset that she was looking through my stuff in the first place. I mean, it’s not as if I set one of them as the wallpaper. I’d even forgotten that I had them. What should I do to make things right?

-Not Kirk

Well, Not Kirk, there are a few things that we’re going to need to go over. First of all, if your ex-girlfriend was hot enough to warrant – as you put it – “scandalous” pictures, why is she your ex? I mean if she’s hot, you’ve gotta keep tapping that.

Secondly; haven’t you heard of encrypted flash drives? This is the twenty first century after all. We are right now, living in the world of tomorrow.

But those are obviously past mistakes that you failed miserably with, so let’s not rehash what has happened and instead look into trying to resolve this unfortunate situation.

Have you tried saying; “Sometimes I need them to get the fire going?” That right there, my friend is some poetic beauty. There isn’t a woman on the face of the earth that wouldn’t appreciate hearing that while you are making love to her, you are thinking of your ex. Maybe ask if it would be okay to print them off and post them on the bed frame. Just tell her that a little visual aid would go a very long way.

Ultimately, Not Kirk this is all about communication. You need to tell her that she is so unattractive that you decided that you wanted to be with her, rather than that hot piece of ass that let you take nudie pictures of herself. I mean that is some serious hotness right there.

Oh, would you mind sending me those pictures?

I think that maybe if someone else saw them it could help bring closure.

Dear Dan,

Over the last few days I’ve been hearing some strange things. Every night I hear this loud creaking, moaning sound that comes from my house’s foundation. Is this just the house settling or maybe some sort of spirit trapped in the house?

-Scared Silly

First of all I would like to point out that I’m neither a building contractor nor a paranormal psychologist. However I have seen every episode of Home Improvement and also the Ghostbuster movies.

I can tell you, Scared Silly that your house is neither “settling” nor is it inhabited by some sort of angry spirit. Houses do not quote settle unquote. They have foundations that are often times in the ground and made of concrete. Ground is hard and as is concrete so that doesn’t even make sense. And ghosts only hang out near “Ghost Hotspots.” Places such as the local gym and the produce isle at the local grocery store. Just another reason to avoid such places.

What’s really going on here is that you have colon cancer.

I’m sorry, Scared Silly. You are going to die.